The Walls of Love

First off, I'll start by apologizing for the profound silence, my semester projects have taken quite a toll on me. They've been really tough yet enjoyable in equal measure. All the same, there's this little, (okay it's not so little) issue regarding relationships, and marriage to some extent that's been on my mind for a while now, and it's about time I said something.

I know there's been this hullabaloo and endless talk over the past decade about modern-day dating and all that comes along with it. Common terms go something like, no strings attached, come-we-stay, open relationship, and that Cecile song where she says she would cook, clean, and do all those wifely duties for her man, although there's no mention of marriage anywhere in the song. Get my drift? Nonetheless, we justify these little untruths, so to speak, with the fact that we are living in the 21st century. Lies I tell you! If we claim that the moral parameters that our parents and grandparents lived in are archaic and irrelevant, then why is it that we have hearts breaking all around us everyday? Why are there so many baby mamas struggling to bring up their little ones on their own? Why are so many people being caught up in the sting of sexually transmitted diseases? Why are people finding themselves bound in painful pasts, unable to let go of former flames?

Something somewhere isn't right. And can't really put my finger on where we lost it. Anyway, not so long ago while growing up, our mums and aunties taught us young girls not to let men touch us, or we'd fall pregnant. Pregnancy out of wedlock was painted as a huge sin, which would taint a girl's destiny forever, although it's evident that this isn't always the case. There was always that one girl/guy we were told never to emulate or we'd be doomed for life. I guess this new age thinking got some of us out the box of "tradition" and "values" which were actually out to help us in the long run.

Nowadays, a great load of the content that characterizes our magazines has got to do with relationships and the juicy stuff that teases the eye. And many headlines go something like, "Why can't I find a decent man?" or "Why can't I stay attracted to the same guy/girl?" The answer is really simple in my opinion. These days, we ladies in particular make it very easy for guys to have their way with us and move on to the next conquest like nothing ever happened. Reason being, we give them benefits which are quite similar to what their married counterparts receive in their matrimonial homes, probably even more than they do. So, if a single guy is getting the same great thing from more different women, what solid reason would he have to stay committed to one? Don't get me wrong, I'm speaking from a very abstract point of view. There are some pretty good respectful guys out there, as well as money-thirsty and material-driven ladies too.

What I'm driving at is that today, it is quite rare to find romantically involved partners operating within certain boundaries. I guess, that's because we choose not to have them. Rules and boundaries are there to help us, not to punish us. For instance, soccer (the game which most male folk are so fond of)wouldn't be soccer if its rules did not exist. And that's the beauty of it. Think about walls. They set distinctions as to how far you can go, and allow some sense of privacy. I bet every human being has come across some set of rules somewhere along the journey of life. Be it in the home, school, at work, on the roads; these rules help maintain an impeccable sense of order and sanity. Therefore, if we can religiously follow rules and guidelines set by other people, why can't we implement the same in our relationships and friendships?

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I think that there is a large group of peeps out there with double standards. Serious double standards! Too many guys say that they love a girl with self-respect, standards, takes care of herself, blah blah blah, and if she's a virgin? That's a plus! However, these same people are the ones who go out there, deflower everything in a skirt then sit back and say, "I want me a good woman." Really? Hypocritical is an understatement. As my Statistics Professor once said, you think you're the bad-a** guy? Wait till you get children of your own. And you will pay for all the sins you committed as a young person. In short, to find the one, be the one.

To put things into perspective, this what I'm saying. Just because every mag and tabloid out there tells you to do something, doesn't mean you have to. So far through my own experiences (and those of others), I've learned that patience is a virtue. It pays to wait. There's also nothing as important as making peace with yourself and believing in your capability to achieve the best. If you have inner confidence and a great level of self-worth, nothing and no one will deter you from getting that which you deserve. If you want to make it big in life, it starts from the inside. You cannot afford to live an ordinary life just like everyone else. Self-discipline and boundaries in your life are things that you may need to incorporate in your every-day dealings.

With regard to what I mentioned earlier about relationships and marriage, I am convinced now more than ever that following Biblical principles and making them yours is the way to go. Just last Saturday, I attended a close-friend's wedding. The preacher gave a very realistic sermonette about marriage, and what stood out most for me is that a chord of 3 strands is not easily broken (i.e. God, you, your partner). The mistake which lots of couples make today is letting too many people in their love lives, and allowing them to run the show. Hence the importance of setting clear, distinct boundaries. She further conducted a little exercise to prove that marriage indeed does last. She asked couples who'd been married for 0-5 years to stand; 6-10, 11-15...and believe you me they were many! The oldest couple present had been married for 48 years and the man said he loved his "girl" at that time more than ever. In short, the world may tell you that there's a shortcut, but we all know that shortcuts lead to hell.

Bottomline? God, the Bible, morals. They will take you where others cannot.


~Self-image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment~ Maxwell Maltz